Memories

I have just finished dismantling Christmas. My house seems bare and uncluttered. The walls and table tops empty. The sounds of season gone. Life seems empty now. I sit down to contemplate what I will remember about this Christmas.

Will I remember the disappointments? Because there were some. Will I remember the laughter? Most certainly. Will I remember the iPod dance? I wish I could forget it! What about the feeling of forgetting myself and letting God have His way with me and use the talents He gave me? That memory I will cherish. Will I remember the family who was told their baby would not survive on Christmas Day?

Will I remember Christmas Eve... our last one at The Met on Bank. Will I remember who I was with or who I was without? Perhaps both. Will I remember the tearful "for us?" Will I remember the random kindness and overwhelming generosity of seemingly strangers? How incredible to see both sides of that blessing... that I will never forget. Will I remember the tears and the prayers of desperation? Will I remember that Jesus came in the fullness of time?

Perhaps life is not as empty as it seems....

Love Hurts

Love hurts.

When I got involved with the Youth a year and a half ago, I had no idea I would love them as much as I do. Seeing them make poor decisions breaks my heart. Some are decisions I made too at one point in my life. Watching them walk down a road that I once walked down is hard. I wish they would listen when I say trust me. Watching them make, and live through life altering decisions makes me want to try and protect them.... shelter them.

What strikes me is that if I am this heart broken... if I find myself this saddened by their decisions... imagine how much more our Fathers heart is broken.... imagine how sad He is when we turn our back on Him, even if just momentarily. In the same way that I cannot fully fathom His love for me, I cannot fully fathom his heart ache for me. And so I stand, once again, amazed by it all.

Under the Bridge

Under the bridge. You know the one. Where "the homeless people live."

A group of young adults. Some might have homes. Others not. Addicts. The mentally ill. Teenagers without a safe place to call home. People. People with names, hearts and souls. People Christ died for. People we are called to love.

The smell of pot. The fact that the students knew the smell saddened me.

Alcohol in Orange Juice containers. "It is what we do to keep warm."

Swearing. Arguing. Noise.

Fear. Is this safe? Fear. Lord keep us safe.

Softness... their tough exterior shed at the random display of love and kindness. You could see the softness literally take over their entire beings.

Genuine appreciation. "You are angels in disguise."

Warmth. Boots. Tuques. Food. Jackets. Warmth. Love. Compassion.

Lives changed. Theirs. Ours. Mine.

Called

Could it be Lord? Are you calling me? Today the reality of lost souls struck me like it never has before. Your ministry involves other believers. Your mission involves ensuring non believers hear the good news. I am not sure where my mission field is. Perhaps He is calling me to a land far away. Perhaps He is opening my eyes to a mission field right here at home. Regardless, I am sensing His call. It frightens me. It excites me. I have sense this before. I brushed it off. Time passed and the urgency faded. But this time He has my attention.

'Not called!' did you say? 'Not heard the call,' I think you should say. Put your ear down to the Bible, and hear Him bid you go and pull sinners out of the fire of sin. Put your ear down to the burdened, agonized heart of humanity, and listen to its pitiful wail for help. Go stand by the gates of hell, and hear the damned entreat you to go to their father's house and bid their brothers and sisters and servants and masters not to come there. Then look Christ in the face -- whose mercy you have professed to obey -- and tell Him whether you will join heart and soul and body and circumstances in the march to publish His mercy to the world. --William Booth

Experience

"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." ~Randy Pausch

Think about that. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. I can think of many experiences in my life where I did not get what I wanted... Either as a result of my own sin, or a result of the sin of someone else. I can think of friends who have gone through difficult times. I recall one dear friend saying something to me many years ago. We were talking about how God builds character and perseverance in us through the circumstances He allows us to face. Her comment was something along the lines of... "I don't want more character. I have character enough!" Haven't we all felt that?

Just yesterday I was going through a life exercise of being thankful for those experiences. I found myself thanking God for some of the things a dear friend of mine has gone through in her life. Her own experiences have given her a wealth of wisdom that I find myself drawing from often.... I want to soak in everything she has learned! I then found myself contemplating my own experiences when conversing with her mother who is facing challenges with her teenage daughter. It really made me think.

I would love to be able to say I am thankful for the experiences God has allowed me to have. I am not there entirely. There have been many times when I have not gotten what I wanted... when things have not gone in my favour. And there will be many more of those times as life goes on. If experience will create wisdom, and character and perseverance... if experience will help me to minister to someone and draw them closer to the love of Christ... then it will have been well worth it.

Lord, have your way in me.

Incase you were wondering...

56 days, 1 hour, 15 minutes and 22 seconds until Christmas.

....not that I am counting.

A Life Saved

Today I am remembering an anniversary of sorts.

Five years ago.
Sunday evening.
All alone.
Many tears.
One phone call.
A dear friend.
A life changed.
A life saved.
My life.

Thank you my dear friend. I am forever grateful.

Honestly

I spent this past weekend in Toronto at a conference with the Youth....Change 07. The Matt Vincent Band provided the worship for the weekend - amazing! They taught us a song that really hit me. Interestingly, I was not the only one. Over the past day, I have seen reminders of this song everywhere... on Facebook and the MSN lines of others that attended this weekend. Perhaps that is Gods way of keeping the song in my head and challenging me by it. I can only remember three lines of it....

Honestly I need to be broken

Honestly I need to fall down

Go ahead and shake my foundation

Lately I have been really affected by various worship songs. I have found my heart and my eyes welling up during songs that we have sung forever. It is as though for many years I sang the words, but perhaps did not always pay attention to the significance of what we were singing about. Sometimes now find myself in silence before Him rather than say or song words that I don't mean.

So as I hummed this song all day, I asked myself just that: Do I mean it? I know I need to be broken in order to be complete in Him. I also know that being broken hurts. Do I really mean it when I sing "go ahead and shake my foundation"? Do I want that? Been there, done that. My foundation has been shaken, and it was not fun! Yet I know beyond any doubt that it has made me rely on Him more and more... it has made me cling to Him like I have never done before. There will be struggles. I will be shaken. I will be broken. But to sing those words to Him...I have to ask... do I mean it... honestly?

Sorry?

I am writing from a pretty raw place. So forgive me if this appears rough around the edges... it is.

Forgiveness. I know God will forgive each and every one of my sins. I know all I have to do is repent. Repentance. Not just confession... but also making a complete turn around... committing not to fall in to the trap of that sin again. Yah sure, sometimes it still happens. That is called humanness.

But here is my problem. I have sinned. There are consequences. I am dealing. But I am having a hard time with confessing my sins. And I suppose it is not so much in confessing my sin, but more in repenting. I know I will repeat this sin. I am already planning it! Which means I am not completely sorry! How can I say I am sorry for something that I know is wrong, but that I am sure I will do again! I can't. So now what?

Why am I not willing to let this go? Why am I not willing to surrender complete control to Him? I know He can grant me peace... He has before. But I also know that He will not grant me peace if I say a quick "I'm sorry... make me feel better about this."

I guess it is a matter of the heart. My heart needs some working on in this area. A song we recently sang at church just came to me. Lord, this is my prayer. Change my heart. I humbly accept the consequences of my sin. Lord forgive me for not giving you my all... my everything.


Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don't
Tired of telling you I'll follow
When I know I really won't
Cause I'd rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way

In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet
I can feel the fire
And it's burning, burning deeply
Burning all that it is that you desire to be silent, in me

Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom's all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear your holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways

In The Silence - Jason Upton

To Sing Or Not To Sing

Well, I am going to do it. Contrary to what I sometimes think I should do, and contrary to what those who know me best have suggested I do (or not do as the case may be), I am going to do it. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time. I miss this part of my old life. I miss the challenge. I miss the music. I miss it all coming together.

I am entering what is typically a bad time of the year for me. As much as I love the fall, it is when I seem to struggle the most. I have already committed to protecting myself. I hope and pray this is not me letting my guard down. I hope and pray that the extra bit of activity in my life, as well as the love of music will be positive influences in my life. I hope and pray that if I am wrong, no one will say "I told you so."

Little Gifts from God

A friend of mine would often tell me of "things that God had given her." Verses... concepts... greater understanding. I loved when God gave her things because sometimes she would share them with me. But I found myself wondering why God didn't give me things.

A few weeks ago, I was enlightened with the answer. God gave me something. I realized that there was a much greater chance of Him showing me something special... that something just for me, when I was looking for it. I had to dig deeper in to His Word for Him to have a chance to show me those special things He has wanted to show me! Not only did I have to dig deeper, but I had to stop talking and spend more time listening. Another little "aha moment."

As I spent more time in His word, something came alive in me. Verses I had read and memorized suddenly meant more to me than they had before. It was as though I was seeing them with a whole new set of eyes. Very cool.

I was going through a bit of a rough time, and was praying for peace in the situation I was going through. This is what He gave me:

Is. 26:3-4 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.

Ps 91 (some select verses... paraphrased just a bit...) He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. If you dwell in the place of the Most High your dwelling then no harm will befall you. For he will command his angels over you to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not even stub your baby toe." (The funny part of that is that a friend has prayed just that for me before... that He would place angels before me, behind me, above me, below me and beside me... so I won't even stub my baby toe. And all this time I thought she made that up!)

All this to say... His Word truly is alive... I am learning that more and more.

Somewhere in the Middle

Earlier this week, one if the gals in the Youth Group told me the new Casting Crowns cd was out. She also shared her favourite song with me. Today I bought the cd, and have also fallen in love with the same song... Somewhere in the Middle. The words resonated with my soul... somewhere in the middle of so many things is how I feel... between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves... between who I was and who He is making me... between contented peace and wanting more. But I know that no matter where I am... no matter what I am in the middle of, I am never there alone. For I know that He will never leave me!

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle

Lyrics by Mark Hall

Back to Blogging

It has been a long time. A lot has happened. I am not sure that I can write about it all here and now. My heart is full of some really amazing things that God is showing me. But my heart is also full of some confusion and sadness. Since my last post, I have shed many tears, and have learned many wonderful truths about my God. The question is, where do I begin. In some ways, I have lost the ears that hear the brunt of my ramblings... both when I am wrestling with God and when I am drawing near to Him... when life is hard and when it is easy... when I am complaining and when I am rejoicing. So stay tuned. Perhaps I will use this outlet again.

Youth

I am a bit behind in my blogging. I have 2 more thoughts on the topic of faith, hope and love. I also have thoughts that I am working through about being "unsettled"... about my roots. But something else has been on my mind these past few weeks as well.

This past fall an amazing opportunity came my way. I had always had a heart for youth ministries, but for one reason or another, never committed to serving in that way. Either my own life was not where it should be, or work got in the way, or, ironically, I thought I was too young. But this fall everything seemed to align itself. Who am I kidding... God aligned it all for me!

I ended up in a new position at work that would allow me to be free on Wednesday nights. My life was more in tune with what God wanted, and where He wanted me to be. Then, as though it were a personal invitation, was the Sponsor Recruitment night.

I will admit... the first few months were tough. It is a large group! But by the new year I had gotten to know a fair number more than the girls in my small group. What an amazing year it has been! I went in to this wanting to serve. I got served. I went in to this wanting to bless others. I got blessed. I went in to this wanting to befriend teenage girls. I got befriended myself.

There is no doubt in my mind that this is where He wants to use me right now. Every single Wednesday a battle goes on. Every single Wednesday something pulls me towards not going... I am tired. I have a headache. I had a rough day at work....the list goes on. Satan knew I was supposed to be there, and he was none too happy about it. Talk about a Spiritual attack! It was like nothing I had every experienced before!

The chance to build in to the lives of these girls in particular, is such a blessing and such a privilege. The relationships that are formed are far more intentional than they were when I was in high school. I happened to be one of the few who really had a friendship with my sponsors. In fact, some of my JH and SH Sponsors are my dearest friends some 15 plus years later! And I see those friendships being forged now within the group... it is amazing.

This year I have seen growth in these girls, particularly the ones in my small group. I have seen these kids pour their hearts out, unashamedly, in worship of their Lord and King. I have seen some wonderful young men and women walk across the podium, on to the next stage of life... their presence will be greatly missed. I have seen some of these kids sacrifice their summer to serve God at camps and various other mission fields. And in the fall, for a whole new set of students, the cycle will begin again.

All this to say... I have been so blessed. Even in chatting with one of the girls tonight... it makes my heart smile. Love you all!

Trust Steadily

A few days back from the Met Youth HS Retreat, and I find myself still contemplating the message that was given. Faith, Hope & Love.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13. Verses from a passage heard at many a wedding. Verses that I see in a new light.

"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us. But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation; trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly, and the best of the three is love." (The Message)

Trust steadily. Trust steadily in God. Faith.

It was proposed, and I think it to be true, that perhaps faith is not about earnestly believing and hoping. But it is rather about surrendering control to the authority of God. Faith recognizes authority and surrenders control.

Application. What areas of my life are full of chaos, rather than in control? Why is it, that there are still areas I have not surrendered fully to Him? A friend of mine has often reminded me that I am not the one in control... she tells me to take it to the cross and leave it there. And there have been times of chaos in her life where I find myself repeating those words back to her. Yet, areas in my life remain mine... not His. What is it that God is asking me to do? What is it that He is asking me to give up control of. And am I willing to do it?

What I did today

It has been way too long since I have posted anything. The truth is, a lot has gone on that is blog-worthy... I am just still working it all out in my head. A lot has gone on in my own life, as well as in others lives that has stretched me, affected me, and made me think. But for today you are stuck with a mundane blog about my day.

Got up nice and early... that is something I have been doing a lot lately... having a puppy is like having a kid. I did three loads of laundry, put together a table from IKEA, and tidied up, and gave my stinky puppy a bath. Went and had lunch with 2 of my favourite children (was watching them for a friend)... then did crafts and has a mini spa day! My hair was getting a bit long, so I went tor a cut. Love it! Came home and actually made dinner. Not cereal or toast... dinner... chicken, rice and veggies! (Today is officially day one of counting my "points" again!) Now I am slowly moving stuff in to my old roomies room. It is going to be my craft room / sewing room / office. I am really excited about it. Chose my paint colours today. Hmmm.... maybe I will head out and buy the paint now!

So nothing too exciting... but that was my day!

For Me

Good Friday. One of the most significant of all Christian Holy Days. Today in church, the reality hit me once again.... the reality of what Christ endured for me. For me. Knowing that if I was the only one in the whole world who would need a Saviour, he still would have died that brutal death, For me. He did not have to die. He chose to die.

It brought me back to my high school years. We were on a retreat, having a communion service. One of the older girls in the group got up and read a medical account of what Christ went through. Now being in the medical field, that means so much more to me.

The stress he endured was so great, that he suffered from hematohidrosis... he sweat drops of blood. The mental anguish must have been unbearable. He suffered temptation. He suffered from sin - my sin! He suffered from rejection - His Father turned His face away!

He was beaten. He suffered hours of torture. His body was covered in lacerations - open, bloody wounds. Wounds that were so deep that His bones were exposed. The skin on His back was shredded. A crown of thorns was not placed, but rather pushed on to his head. The pain must have been excruciating! He was severely dehydrated... both from the blood loss and from the profuse sweating. He was likely in or near a state we call shock. That alone was enough to kill Him. That was before He was crucified! Then He had to carry His cross!

According to medical experts, the position of the nails in his hands and feet would have pierced the medial nerve...that would cause excruciating pain and burning to shoot though His spinal column. His hands would have become paralyzed.The weight of His body was held on the nails in His hands. He would have shifted His weight with His feet to relieve the pain in his hands and arms... it would only cause Him more pain in the wounds in His feet, as well as to his skinless back as it rubbed against the rough timber. Not to mention the muscle cramps from having His arms extended for so long. As His legs gave out, His shoulders would have become dislocated.

Experts also say that the way a body is positioned on a cross makes it incredibly difficult to breathe. When your weight is being carried by your arms, your pectoral and intercostal muscles become useless... making breathing very difficult. His breaths would have been short... gasping... as carbon dioxide began to build up in His system. His lungs would fill with fluid. His heart would give out.

What Christ experienced is too horrible to even think about. It is sobering. It is painful. It brings me to my knees, humbled. "One doctor has called it “a symphony of pain” produced by every movement, with every breath; even a slight breeze on his skin could bring screaming pain at this point."

For me. For me. He did this for me.

Freedom

The sermon at church this past Sunday was really good. It focused on an area that I had first hand experience with for the first time in my life just recently: Freedom from sin. I never paid much attention to being a slave to sin. I never really thought I was. I mean, I sinned, I asked for forgiveness, and it was done. Then I sinned again... It was only recently that I saw areas of my life that I had been enslaved to. Areas of sin. Choices I had made that trapped me. I was enslaved to the sinful decisions I had made, was clueless about it, and had no idea how to change the path I was on!

The question was posed: Have you ever said to God... "Lord, I would rather DIE than live like (or with) this!" Yes!!! The answer our Pastor gave was a truth that I have heard since I was a kid. But with the freedom I have experienced in the past few months, I get it in a different way. The thing is... I have already died! I have already been crucified with Him! I am no longer a slave to sin! I am free! I have already died. I have already died. Wow. So simple, yet so complex. I have already died. Sounds kinda negative. The amazing part is not that I have died to my sin, but that I have been raised up with Him! That is what makes me free!

Something else he said really hit me. Again, it came from a verse I had memorized and quoted many times over the years. But the way it was worded had an impact on me. Romans 6:13 ... Do not offer the parts of your body as instruments of sin.... Once we belong to Christ... once we hold on tightly to Him, Satan can't say "come with me... you are mine." We are not. What he can say is... "I have this slander to spread... can I borrow your mouth?" ... "I have this work to be done... can I borrow your hands?" Our response (This is the part I love!): Stop loaning your body to sin!

I love that all this has been brought to the forefront of my mind as we near Easter. I mean, this is the season we remember His death, and celebrate Him being raised from the dead. And in that, He gave us freedom! If the Son has set you free, then you are free indeed!

Romans 6: 6-14 Could it be any clearer? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable life—no longer at sin's every beck and call! What we believe is this: If we get included in Christ's sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. That's what Jesus did.

That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don't give it the time of day. Don't even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life. Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time—remember, you've been raised from the dead!—into God's way of doing things. Sin can't tell you how to live. After all, you're not living under that old tyranny any longer. You're living in the freedom of God.

Puppy Love

The adventures of Bronte continue. Things are going really well. I think I have finally accepted that if my little guy cries, he will be ok. I left him for a few hours yesterday barricaded in the kitchen. When I put him to bed, I did the same thing. He did not cry at all. And when I came down this morning (ok, so he was whimpering a bit then), he was in his bed which is in his crate! I also went out today for a few hours and crated him. He was fine! He whimpered a bit when I left, but was fine when I came home. Yay! I still think that to crate him when I am at work is too long. But I am thrilled to know that he is getting used to his crate. He even went in it a few times on his own today! I am way less stressed than I was on the weekend!

We also went to the vet today. Bronte really likes Dr Carl. He was very well behaved, and got a clean bill of health!

A few more pics of my baby...

Bronte

My life has changed dramatically since my last post. I am a mommy. It looked as though the puppy I had lined up was not going to happen. It was not a sure thing, but my the breeder thought that if she was able to leave at all, it would be later than expected. As I mentioned in my last blog, I was devastated.

So I began the search for a different puppy, and came across a breeder selling Yorkie-Poos. He had 2 females, one that looked like a yorkie (the one I wanted), and one that looked more poodle. I waited all day Friday to hear from him. When our potential meeting time had come and gone, I figured it was Gods way of letting me know this was not the pup for me. Shortly after that (and 2 hours before I had to be at work), I got the call. So a friend and I went to see the little guys.


The female I wanted had already been sold. I looked at the other female - the one that looked l more poo than yorkie. She was cute, but didn't grab me. I looked at the boys, even though I wanted a girl, and had bought a whole bunch of pink clothing. There was one little guy who had one ear pointed straight up, and one flopped down. I fell in love. I took him home.

Well, I didn't really take him to my home... I took him to my wonderful friends home, who puppy sat for me because I had to go to work!

So I have a new addition, and it is going ok. I am frustrated with the whole crate training thing because he cries... no, screams! He slept in his doggy bed, blocked off in the kitchen last night. And that is where I left him to go to church this morning. He did really well. He goes potty on the paper consistently, even throughout the night. Pretty good for 10 weeks I think! I have a hard time leaving him to cry, and am not 100% sure what I will do when I go to work - crate him vs have the crate there for him, but block him off in the kitchen. Everyone has their opinion, which does not really make it any easier.

I know he will be a friend for life... I just need to get past these next few days until we establish a routine. And in the meantime, I have to try not to have a melt down every time my puppy wails... which is whenever I am not in sight!


Here he is!

Loved

Well, these past few days have been tough. I have been sick for about a week now, and do not seem to be getting better. (Pink eye, ear infection, throat infection, chest infection, sinus infection.... hopefully these antibiotics will start working soon!) As you may have guessed from my last post, I am having a rough time with my room mate leaving. To top it all off, I got a call from my puppy's breeder yesterday. There was a bit of a problem with the litter. The one female that would be mine is very tiny, and they are not even sure they can let her leave. I was devastated. Am still working all that all out.

Through these past few days, I have been so blessed, and have been shown much love. A dear friend and her family opened their home to me and my germs when I was too sick to be home alone. She made sure I ate, gave me a place to sleep, provided me with company when I did not really want to be alone, and let me cry on her shoulder when I needed to. Her friendship is such a blessing to me. Her eldest son woke me up this morning with breakfast in bed... toast, eggs, pancakes and OJ. That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done. When I finally came home this evening, one of the girls from the Youth Group showed up at my door with a handful of flowers. I cried when she left. Her thoughtfulness really touched me, and I enjoyed her company.

I love how God uses people in your life to bless you and encourage you when you are down. I needed to be shown love. I needed to be encourages. He provided that for me, and in doing so, filled me up so that I can keep on loving and encouraging those around me.

Gone

She's gone. Really, she's been gone for a while now. I have mixed emotions. But right now, loneliness and sadness make the top of the list.

Impact

Sometimes we have no idea how our lives have impacted those around us. Sometimes we have no idea how God has used us to bless others. I received a card in the mail today from a very old friend. Not old as in age... she is a few years younger than me. But old as in time... I have known her since we were in grade school. She practically lived at my house. But when HS ended, we ended up in different cities, and the distance made our friendship grow apart. I have only seen her a few times in the past few years.

Her card said this: "You are very important to me. I have always looked up to you. You are the closest thing to an older sister I will ever have, and even with a few miles between us, you are always in my heart." It brought me to tears. We just have no idea how God will use the relationships we forge.

I have another friend who is such a blessing to me (and many others too). No matter how many times I try to tell her what a blessing she is... and what an impact she has had on my life, she does not get it. Despite my words, she will never see the extent to which God has used her this side of heaven. And isn't that true about all of Christ's followers? We just never know the impact any one thing we say or do will have.

This card reminded me of two things. Make everything you do count for eternity. We have no idea how God will use even the ordinary things to impact others. Secondly, it reminded me to let people know when they have been a blessing to you. Why wait for heaven when we can start thanking people here and now.

First

I have already commented on the "driving devotion" series I did on Joy. The next in the series is on faith. A coincidence? Seeing as what God wanted for me to say was that I believed... that I had faith in Him? I think not. In fact, the end of one of the devotions said "God is longing to hear us say that we trust Him." All this, the day after my "Yet" blog. Amazing how He works. That really affirmed that He is in control.

Something that was said in one of the tracks really hit struck me. It started by saying, "Life is hard. God is good." Two truths that we face every day. And every day I have a choice. What will I hear first? God? Or the evil one? Will I hear a song on the radio? A horrible news story? Or will I choose to hear His voice first. That is the part that hit me. Hearing Him first.

In this case, I think that "first" can have two connotations. First....foremost... above all else. All valid. All important. But I also think it can mean first...not second... first. As in, the very first thing I physically hear in the morning. And this is where I was convicted. Rather than hear about things of this world and then have that impact my thoughts on God, I should hear from Him first. And let Him impact my thoughts on the things of this world. Perhaps if I hear Him first, it will set the stage for the rest of my day. Not perhaps. It will.

I have a hard time praying and doing devotions in the morning when I get up early and have to go to work.... I fall asleep. Which is why I do my devotions in the car, and spend time in prayer as I drive. So I am not sure what this all means. Maybe I need to have a worship cd on while I get ready, rather than the radio show I listen to that is not God honouring. Perhaps it means showering and then spending time in His word before I continue to get ready. I am not sure what this will look like. I just know that I need to choose differently. I need to choose to hear Him first.

I Believe

Over the past few days, a few things have come in to my life that have upset me. Last night, the accumulation of these things triggered a visceral reaction in the very core of my being. They triggered panic. They triggered fear. They brought me to a place where I have been many times before. A point that in the past has broken me.

Last night I had a choice. I could let Satan win. I could walk down a familiar, comfortable path that would lead to more pain, and ultimately to self destruction. Or I could choose to turn to Him. I found myself praying a familiar prayer: "Lord, please take this away. Please make this stop. I cannot do this anymore." As I prayed those words, nothing happened. I was still afraid. I still found myself in the midst of a panic attack.

A friend once said to me... I know you believe in God. But do you believe Him? Do you believe that He will take away the burdens you lay at His feet? Do you believe that He is bigger than all this? All very good questions. Ones I had not thought about before. Ones I was not sure how to answer. This same friend has also encouraged me to "choose well." I heard her, but I did not understand her. I did not really pay much attention to the choices I was making on a daily basis. I thought to myself, I know you say I have a choice. But I don't see it... I don't feel it. This is how it is, end of story.

In the midst of my panic, I knew I had to choose well. I added to my pleas... "Lord, I believe that You can ... that You will... that You are waiting to take this from me. I believe that You are big enough to take this from me. I believe." As I spoke the words "I believe" I knew I was speaking the words He was waiting to hear from me. Something happened last night. Something supernatural. Something divine. Something that only God could do. A peace spread over me. I felt it, like a cool rain washing over me. It was gone. The panic... the fear... gone.

A year...even a few months ago, I would have pushed aside the notion that peace could spread through me like that. I could not truly appreciate what people meant when they said that they felt a physical release. Until a few months ago, I had only felt that once before in my life. Now, each time it happens, I find myself in awe of His grace, His goodness, and His love for me.

Yes, God really is bigger than the boogie man.

Yet

Yet. Though such be the case.

I have just completed a devotional on Joy. It is a cd series that I listen to on the way to work. Not being a morning person, it is my way of "meeting him at the river" and receiving the "manna that is baked fresh every morning." This morning (and again this evening), I listened to the last 2 segments. In them, one small word struck me: Yet.

The first passage was from Job 8:21. On first thought, some might wonder why one would turn to the book of Job when looking for passages on joy. I mean, Job lost everything.... his health, his livestock, his family. Ah... but that is where the joy comes in....and that is where the word yet comes in. Bildad was trying to provide his friend Job with counsel. Some of what he said was legit. His concept of God and justice was not. This one short statement though, sums up what Job did despite his situation.


21 "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."


Everything Job held near to his heart was taken from him. Though such be the case (yet!) God filled his lips with shouts of joy. Though such be the case, Job praised God. He knew that his God was still on the throne!


What an amazing promise! What an inspiration! Though such be the case, He will fill me with joy! I like to think of that as a personal promise from God to me.


The second passage was one that I can across a few weeks ago. It is from Habakkuk 3:17-18.

17 "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior."


I felt as though God had given me that passage to share with a friend who was going through a rough time. A time where there were no grapes on the vine. You know when I verse keeps coming back to you.... when you feel like God is saying "Pay attention here!" That is this passage. If the passage in Job was His promise to me, this passage is my response to Him... my response to the struggles in life. Whatever it is... though such be the case.....YET... I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD!!!

Empty

As a kid I remember thinking it was strange that my grandparents fridge was always empty. Didn't they eat? There was usually a container of OJ, some Perrier, perhaps a few eggs and maybe some bread. Now when I look in my fridge I think, "I have turned in to my grandparents."

Eleven Years Ago

Eleven years ago, I was in beautiful British Columbia taking part in the wedding of a dear friend of mine. In many ways it seems like so long ago. In many ways it seems like it was just yesterday.

She is one of the three people I have consistently stayed in touch with from the Canterbury days. Oddly enough, we were not close friends in high school. We had a fair bit in common: our love of music (especially Sandi! *S*), our love of God... but the truth is that I was... intimidated by her. Ok... maybe a bit scared of her too! She left Ottawa for BC half way through HS. A few months after that, we connected and became close friends.

It was an honour for me, a few years later, to be a part of her wedding, and I am so thankful that I have been one of the few friends she has kept in touch with from that time in her life. I cried through the whole thing. I distinctly remember trying to wipe the mascara off my cheeks during every prayer. Being somewhat less emotional than I am, this dear friend simply laughed at my tears. The evening of the wedding was spent at "The Rock"... an amazing P&W Service that she and her hubby led worship at. What an amazing way to begin your life together! We said our goodbyes that evening. I do believe there were tears in her eyes then - which through my tears, made me laugh. I also had a heart to heart with her dear grandfather that evening. His words of thanks were so precious.

Later that night another friend and I had fun piling her gifts up against the wall, and dressing her teddy bear in her wedding dress and laying it out on her bed. Fun times.

Thank you for the many, many years of friendship. Although we don't talk often, and see each other even less, I cherish your friendship. You are such a blessing to me. Miss you more than you know. Happy Anniversary my friend. Here's to another 11 wonderful years. Love you!

Rich

At Youth Group we are working though the NOOMA series. Each video has greatly impacted me. This week was based on 1 Timothy 6:17-19... part of Pauls charge to Timothy.

17 Command people who are rich in this world not to be proud. Tell them not to put their hope in riches. Wealth is so uncertain. Command those who are rich to put their hope in God. He richly provides us with everything to enjoy. 18 Command the rich to do what is good. Tell them to be rich in doing good things. They must give freely. They must be willing to share. 19 In that way they will put riches away for themselves. It will provide a firm basis for the next life. Then they will take hold of the life that really is life.

I like The Message version... very down to earth:

17-19Tell those rich in this world's wealth to quit being so full of themselves and so obsessed with money, which is here today and gone tomorrow. Tell them to go after God, who piles on all the riches we could ever manage—to do good, to be rich in helping others, to be extravagantly generous. If they do that, they'll build a treasury that will last, gaining life that is truly life.

A quote from the video...

"Let's be honest. It's easy to go to a church service. It's easy to read the Bible. It's easy to discuss who believes what and who's right and who's wrong. It's easy. But when Jesus talks about His followers, he talks about people who are generous; people who clothe the naked... take food to the hungry... take water to the thirsty; people who visit the prisoner; people who invite the stranger in; people who give their time; people who give their energy; people who give their money. The best question isn't, "What can I get?" To take the way of Jesus seriously is to realize that the best question is, "What can I give?" Because all of us can give something - here, now, today, and then tomorrow and then the next day. What can you do to be more generous? You have been blessed. Who are you going to bless?"

Go after God. Be rich in helping others. Be extravagantly generous. What an encouragement! It reiterates that things I have done recently that some might view as extravagant (although I don't), are in direct obedience to God. That my giving is pleasing to Him. That I have been given much, and can use all that I have to bless others. None of the things I do, I do for my own glory. Yes, I am building up a lasting treasury. Yes, I am taking hold of what it truly is to live. But at the same time, I am acting in obedience to my Father, and that brings nothing but glory to His precious name! (Amen!)

At the same time, what a challenge. It was the challenge we left our group with... what can you do to give? What can you do to give more? Whose life are you going to bless? No matter how much we already give, there is a very good chance we could be doing and giving more. Give of our money. Give of our time. Give of our resources.... the list goes on.

To end....

"May you come to see that you're rich. And your possessions, they are luxuries that most people in the world don't have. And may you do what Jesus says: May you step in to your divine responsibility to give. And when you do, may you take hold of the life that is truly life."

Silent Screams

She wouldn't look at anyone. Or perhaps, she couldn't. It was too familiar to me. Was she ashamed? Of something she had done? Of something that was done to her? Did she wear her shame on her being for all to see? Was she afraid? That if someone looked her in the eyes they would peer in to the deepest part of her soul. They would stare in to a place she had to protect... hide. Was she alone? Did she just wish someone would come along side her... hug her... hold her... comfort her... love her.

Her sleeves pushed up, you could not help but see the scars. Some old. Some new and fresh. All much deeper than most people would ever know. Was her own pain the only thing she could control? Did she figure she would hurt herself because, face it, everyone else has hurt her? Was the physical pain the only way she had to forget the emotional pain she was feeling?

The souls of two people whose paths crossed mine. Something inside of me wept for them. Does anyone hear their cries? Help me! Love me! Their screams are silent, yet so loud. They could be you. They could be me. Perhaps they are.

Three Friends

I have heard the challenge many times before: "Think of three unsaved friends who you can be really diligent about praying for." But it never really hit me the way it has recently. If I am completely honest with myself, I have spent the past...well... probably 8 years living a lot closer to the world than I have been to God. Until about a year ago, I was not really thinking about things with an eternal perspective. I mean, I knew I was ultimately saved. But I never really and truly had a heart for those who were not. That is obvious to me as I look back on how I have (or haven't) influenced those around me for Christ. In particular, I think of my room mate and one of my dearest friends. Both people I have had the opportunity to show the love of Christ to.... but I haven't been that effective. It seems now that time is being taken away from me. My room mate is moving out, and my dear friend and I are spending less and less time together - partly because of work, and partly because my heart longs to be with others who belong to Christ. I have regrets. All I can do with them though, is make every day count for eternity.

So... I am taking the challenge. I will be diligent in praying for KC - one of my best friends... JL - my soon to be old room mate... and LD - my co-worker and confident.

What about you? Are you up for the challenge? Are you looking at life here on earth with an eternal perspective?

Thank you....

....for knowing that I love Maltesers. As silly as it is, it means a lot.

PS.... You need to blog!!!

Bronte Adventures

Today I met my new room mate! A very tiny Yorkshire Terrier who I will name Bronte Carlotta. (Carlotta after her mommy, who the owners affectionately call Carla.) She was born on February 13th... her eyes opened today for the first time! So the adventures of Bronte begin...

A breeder friend and I took a drive to Renfrew to meet my new puppy, and ultimately decide if she was the one. It was about an hour and 20 minute drive there. It was a 4 hour drive home. We decided to take a different route home. Thankfully, I was not driving. Now anyone who knows me knows that my sense or direction stinks! Well, apparently mine is not the only one! We took a wrong turn somewhere. 2 hours later, when we did not arrive in the town we expected to, we pulled out the map. Oops. We had gone in the exact opposite direction. Luckily the weather, scenery and company were pleasant! The irony is, my friend has a GPS... but he left it at home!

So I will return in a few weeks to actually pick her out. only then will I be able to see some of her personality. Her mommy is the nicest, most gentle Yorkie I have ever met. I hope that wears off on her pups! She was beautiful!

Bronte will come home around April 13th. In the meantime I will continue to shop for cute outfits, toys and puppy supplies. These next 6 weeks will be so long!

Bronte was named after the Bronte sisters, whose home I had the chance to visit in the Yorkshire Moors or England. I will leave you with one of my favourite poems by one of my favourite poets and writers, Emily Bronte.

The Old Stoic

Riches I hold in light esteem,

And Love I laugh to scorn;

And lust of fame was but a dream,

That vanished with the morn:

And if I pray, the only prayer

That moves my lips for me

Is, "Leave the heart that now I bear,

And give me liberty!"

Yes, as my swift days near their goal:

'Tis all that I implore;

In life and death a chainless soul,

With courage to endure.

Why Would Anyone Want To Be Your Friend?

That is a good question... one that I will attempt to answer. Why? Because you do realise that by questioning people who would want to be your friend, you are questioning me, and perhaps doubting my own sanity. Which, granted is questionable at times. So here it goes, in no particular order.

You make me laugh. Sometimes at you. Sometime with you. Many a time at myself.

You bring out the best in me. The real me... the way God is shaping me to be is brought out when I am around you.

You are observant. You have the gift of discernment. You see things the way they really are. I am still shocked by that card you sent me last summer. You barely knew me. You said "You looked weary the other day..." You would soon find out just how weary I was.

You are interesting. (Strange, but interesting *S*) Seriously though... God has handed you your fair share of trials and tribulations. You always come out on top. You have a story to tell... tell it!

You remember important things. My birthday for example.

You remember the little, silly things ... that I like toasted tomato sandwiches... It amazes me when someone remembers the little things. I tend to. Most of my friends do not. The fact that you do is refreshing.

You are real. You live out your faith on a day to day basis. I love watching your godly example. Who would not want to be around someone like that?

You know when I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on ... very important!

You drop everything to come and rescue me from myself. No one has ever done that for me before.

You get me. You are like me. You understand some of my idiosyncrasies. It is almost as though you are inside my head at time. Sometimes it is a bit scary ( for both of us, I am sure) ... but in many ways it makes me feel less crazy! (Or at the very least, not alone in my craziness!)

You have seen my ugly sides... and you still love me.

You don't judge me. (Or anyone else for that matter.) I can say what I want to you, and be confident that you will still love me, and will not hold it against me.

You make me feel safe. I can be my one true self with you. If I am sad, that is ok. If I have the giggles, that is great too. I don't need to wear a mask. I come as I am, and you accept me that way.

You encourage and support me.

You are kind. You are tenderhearted. You are caring. You are trustworthy. You are open. You are honest.

You are gentle with me when I am fragile, but will never sacrifice the truth. You are able to speak His truth in love.

You give good advice, even though I don't always take it. (I like a bit of red in my hair ok!?!)

You are someone I can share my toys with! (Flip& Fold)

And if the truth be told, you know far too much about me to not be your friend! *S* You are stuck with me, and I hope and pray I am stuck with you. Love you. Don't forget it!

High Flight

Some of the most beautiful events in nature I have seen, have been through the window of a Lear jet on the way to Baffin Island. The first was a sunrise. The most beautiful I have ever seen. We were so close to the sun that I could swear I could reach out and touch it... like touching the face of God!

Tonight I saw the Northern Lights... brighter and more colourful than I have ever seen them before.They were a spectacular display of beauty.... of His amazing creation. Beautiful streaks of green and purple dancing through the sky. I was afraid to blink... I did not want to miss this display of grandeur. As I watched in amazement, all my heart could do was praise Him. All I could think of was that MY God did that!

There are several Inuit Legends surrounding the Northern Lights. My favourite is that the lights are the souls of children who have passed away... dancing in the heavens. This week we lost 2 little kiddies at work. It is always so hard. We all feel this incredible sadness, yet we know that it pales in comparison to the grief the parents feel. It breaks my heart knowing that these mothers will go home to an empty crib. That they will never send their baby off to school... that fathers will never take their son to a ball game... that siblings will never know the joys of sibling friendship. Knowing that these precious children are dancing in the heavens makes my heart smile.

There is a poem that comes to mind... It reminds me of the amazing sights I saw. It reminds me of children dancing in the heavens, touching the face of God.

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth

And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;

Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth

Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things

You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence.

Hov'ring there

I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung

My eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up the long delirious, burning blue,

I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace

Where never lark, or even eagle flew -

And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod

The high untresspassed sanctity of space,

Put out my hand and touched the face of God.

-Pilot Officer Gillespie Magee

And The Oscar Goes To....

One of the things I will miss most about my room mate are the parties we throw. There are usually a few each year... Oscar Party For 2... Super Bowl Party For 2... you get the idea. Now these are not your typical parties. For example.. the Super Bowl Party... while eating junk food, we watch the very beginning and guess who is the heaviest player. Then we wait for their stats to flash across the screen and see who wins. When we have had enough of that, we pop in a movie, but pause it in time to watch the Half Time Show. Now that is my kind of Super Bowl!



Last night at work, over a bag of Creamy Creamy Caramel Popcorn from Kernals, I shared some of our Oscar Party secrets. (We taped it so we could watch it once work quieted down.) Before the show, each party goer was provided with a list of nomination by category. Each party goer had to guess who was going to win in each category. The completed lists were then placed in a sealed envelope until the end of the show, when they were marked.



At 515 this morning, the winner was announced. For the second year in a row, the winner is.... yours truly! (Which is really funny seeing as I have only seen 2 of the movies that were nominated.) My acceptance speech? Thank you to my co-workers, who, while they probably think I am wacko, humoured me in this little endeavour. Thank you to my dear friend CB who made the viewing of the two movies I did see possible. Without your love, support, and choice of movies, I would not be where I am today! I love you all! *S*

End Of An Era

It is the end of an era. In September 1999, my current room mate and I decided to move in together. I was just moving out for the first time. When I purchased my house a few years later, she moved there with me. Last night I came home to a considerable amount of garbage in my garage. My first thought was "Jen is moving out." As I walked through the house, I noticed things that were missing: Her cook books, some kitchen supplies, some linens. I was quite certain I knew what was going on. A few emails later, my suspicions were confirmed. Jen is moving out.

I saw this coming. I am surprised it took so long. That said, I cannot deny that I panicked just a bit. I worry about how I will cope mentally living on my own, even though in the past few months she has barely been there. I worry about how I will manage from a financial point of view. If truth be told, I was a bit frantic.

In the midst of my panic attack God reminded me of words that just days ago I spoke to a dear friend in the midst of her own crisis. I was a bit embarrassed by my reaction. How could I have had an eternal perspective until it had to do with my own reality? I believed those words then, why did I not believe them now? How could I think that God would provide for this dear friend, but He would not provide for me? I needed to change my attitude here. And that is what happened: God changed my attitude.

I am sad that Jen is leaving. We have lived together for 8 years! We are common-law! There is going to be a custody battle! "Whose dish is that?" But I have to believe that this is all a part of His plan. His PERFECT plan. I knew this day would come, but God knew when this day would come. I have to believe that He will do something good with this.

I am also sad because of the example I have been to her. Or should I say, the example I have not been to her. For most of the time that we have lived together, I have lived out my faith as close to the world as I could. I have regrets. In the past year that has changed. But in the past year, we have not see a whole lot of each other. I just have to hope and pray that as our friendship continues, she will see more and more of the woman that God is changing me in to.

So... it is the end of an era. Guess we will all have to stay tuned to see what He has in store for me next! I hope that part of what He has in store might include someone tall dark and handsome! For now, perhaps I will have to settle for a furry friend.

Don't you want to eat me?!?!?

My Misconstrued Comment of the Day

It is more fun to just bang it. And I like when the juices squirt out. Just pop it in your mouth, and spit out the seed!

.




How do you eat your Lychee fruit?

Have you?

Has your heart ever hurt so badly that you are not sure it will ever go away? Have you every felt that even words given to you by His divine might are not enough, and cannot even begin to bring comfort? Have you ever felt so desperate to change the reality of someone you love, but so incapable of doing so? Have you every prayed so fervently about something, that you forget to pray about anything else? Have you every prayed that God would allow you to take on the stress a dear friend feels so that she can be free from it? Have you every lay awake at night talking to Him... begging Him for a sign that this will be alright? Have you ever melted into a puddle of tears… completely overwhelmed by the pain and sadness you feel for a loved one? Have you ever felt that all you could do was pray?

Have you ever been desperate for Him? Desperate to be near Him. Desperate to hear from Him. Desperately awaiting His answer to prayer. Desperate for Him to “do this thing”.

Lord, You are in complete control here. The struggles of these dear loved ones are not in vain. The faith of your children will be stretched. Their dependence on you will be deepened. You will be glorified! You will be glorified.

Every Princess Needs A Dinky Car

Some days I feel totally uninspired. Other days I could blog about a million things. Tonight is one of those nights!

When I work my admin days, my hours are pretty flexible. I work (and I use that term loosely) 8 hours, but it does not really matter when I start and when I end. So I tend to sleep in a bit. That means that my parking lot is pretty much full by the time I saunter in. I could park in another lot... the Losers Lot... in the back 40. But I don't like to when it is minus 100 out! I am a Princess... I get cold easily! So I, along with many others, have found a solution. I... I mean... we, park sort of illegally at the end of the row... where there really isn't a parking spot. I am always careful not to block anyones safe exit from their own spot... which is not hard because my car is pretty small. Some might even call it a dinky car. I have been informed that my friends son has toy cars that are bigger than mine. Hmph.

So today as I arrived at my car, I noticed a white paper on the window. Turns out, I received a warning for a parking infraction: not parking within the lines. As if! Don't they see the plates? (HRHCRSTA) I have diplomatic status man! I should be immune! I am a Princess! My Father is the King of Kings! *LOL* (Or, LOL+OL for those of you... or more like, for the one of you who thinks that is how it should be.) Oh well. Guess I should be happy that it was a warning and not a ticket. That said, the bottom of it did say that I was liable to the City of Ottawa for the above infraction... what does that mean? Are they going to send me a ticket in the mail??? So confused. The funniest part is that the warning was written at 0955.... which is pretty much when I got to work! I think I got there at 945. As if!

Another kinda funny car story.... I was on my way to Youth Group tonight, when this guy totally cut me off. In high school someone taught me about the 10 second horn. (Thanks Jeff!) I don't use it often, but this was the perfect opportunity. Until tonight, I had always wondered why people do not really respond to my horn... like they don't hear or see me...even when I give them the 10 second horn. Now I believe what people have been telling me: My horn is the horn of a dinky car! A bike horn would make more noise than that thing! It is ok for a little "toot toot"... but now so good for the 10 second horn. How embarrassing!

You are right. I drive a dinky car.

Strongholds

The continuation of my "Aha Moments"...

There are a few things that have come together lately in my life. They are separate things that have brought me to one main focal point. Let me see if I can explain...

At the end of 2006, our church finished up our series on Ephesians with a Sub Series on the Armour of God. Back in October I blogged about the Shield of Faith. Well, another lesson I learned was based on the Sword of the Spirit. There were 2 main points. First, it is to be used to stand your ground. I had realized this before… hiding His Word in your heart so that it would be easily accessible when we need to stand up against Satan's attacks and temptations. The second point is what hit me. The Sword of the Spirit is to be used to take back ground. If you give Satan a foothold, it will in time become a stronghold. So we have to use the sword to cut out the areas of sin in our lives, and give those areas back to God... the rightful owner. 2 Corinthians 10: 3-5 says “the weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world… they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God….”

There were a few areas that I knew Satan had control over… that became clear to me that day. I handed those areas over to God. Don’t get me wrong, they are still areas of sin I struggle with, but I know that I have the tools I need to cut those areas out of my life. That said, I was not very good at using His Word to cut out these areas of my life. I held on to a bit of the control there… kinda tried to do it my way, and just try to be strong enough to resist. (I know… that is so not like me!!! *S*)

What was not clear to me was that there were areas of my life I had not thought of before. Remember that friend telling me to hand it over to God. Little did I know what I was about to hand over. It was big. Perhaps I had always thought my God was not big enough. It was a sin. I know for a fact that I had never seen it as such.

About a month or so ago, I was introduced to a book by Max Lucado entitled Facing Your Giants. As I read through the first Chapter and worked through the study guide, I had to list some of my "Goliaths"... some of the things that I had made bigger than God in my life... the things that I struggled against and focused on.

Last week another book made its way in to my life. The same friend who recommended the Giants book mentioned another book whose title sparked my interest... Praying Gods Word: Breaking Free From Spiritual Strongholds by Beth Moore. It was the word "strongholds" that made me want to read it. It brought me back to the sermon on the Sword of the Spirit. I needed help praying His Word... using His word to cut out these areas in my life. I read the introduction and had yet another aha moment. First of all, it was then that I really understood what a stronghold was. Beth Moore used that same verse in 2 Corinthians... “A stronghold is any argument or pretension that ‘sets itself up against the knowledge of God”…A stronghold is anything that exalts itself in our minds, “pretending” to be bigger or more powerful than our God.” Wow. I had a lot of strongholds then! The table of contents listed several strongholds. Interestingly, this list closely mimicked the list of "Goliaths" I had made. Depression... feelings of guilt... insecurity of being unloved... the list goes on.

Perhaps it was only then that I truly understood what it meant to give these areas to God. Perhaps it was not so much an understanding of what it meant to give these areas of God, but rather an understanding of all the areas of my life that at one time or another pretended to be bigger than my God. I got it. Anything that takes the focus off of Him is sin and needs to be cut out of my life. Call them Goliaths. Call them strongholds. They have got to go.

That leads to my next aha moment... but it is late... so it will have to wait for another day.

Secrets

The other day I came across an article in a magazine advertising a book entitled Secrets Lives of Men and Women. I was intrigued, so I made my way to Chapters to see what it was all about. I learned that this was more than a book, but rather an entire project entitled PostSecret.

Back in 2004, a man by the name of Frank Warren handed out 3000 self addressed postcards. He gave them to strangers, and left them in public places. He invited people to write a secret on it, and mail it back to him. He has received over 100 000 self made post cards, and displays them in his books, in art exhibits, and online at www.postsecret.com .

Some of the secrets are horrifying. Some are hilarious. Some secrets brought tears to my eyes. Some brought a smile to my face. Some were secrets of people I know, some were secrets I have kept myself at one time or another.

Reading through these secrets really made me think. I am so fortunate, first of all, that I have people in my life who I trust with my deepest darkest secrets. But mostly, I am thankful that there are no secrets from my God. Nothing I could do, nothing I could say, nothing I could think will ever be kept secret from him. Nothing that was done to me, nothing that I did to cope, nothing I have lived through is a secret to Him. He knows it all. He knows the parts that I don't know!

What an amazing truth: As children of God, we are NEVER alone. We are NEVER abandoned. We will NEVER be able to keep a secret from God.

Brothers

Ok.... my next blog was supposed to be a continuation of my aha moments... but tonight I am feeling otherwise inspired.

I am so blessed. In many of my blogs I have mentioned a particular dear friend of mine who has meant more to me than she will ever know.... who has supported me, prayed with me, been honest with me, stretched my faith, and laughed (out loud) with me the whole time. But she is not the only blessing I have received. Her entire family has been like a second family to me. They have welcomed me into their home when I have needed to not be alone. They have invited me to spend family holidays with them. They have become my second family. (In fact, now I need to refer to my real family as "the biologicals"!)

Today while this dear friend was putting the "wee ones" to bed, 2 of her older sons and I... well... we played. Or more like, I got ganged up on and attacked! I tried to use the younger of the two as a shield, but to no avail... he got away. So I resorted to a laundry basket and running and screaming like a girl. I had a blast! When I went to leave, the older of the two went out to start my car.... and drive my car...forward and back... forward and back. He finally let me in, but in the mean time jumped into the passenger seat and took me hostage! So we drove around for a bit before his mother called us home.

All that to say.... I have watched people with brothers before. My room mate for example... she has 2 younger brothers. When guy friends tease her- like not in a mean way, but like they would tease their sister- she has always known how to take it.. and give it right back. Although I have a 1/2 brother, he has never been a part of my life. I never had that "brother like" relationship. Someone who would make fun of me as I sobbed through Greys Anatomy, but only after he hid the batteries in the remote control a few months earlier so I would miss the show. Someone who would tease me, and I could punch for it. Someone who would be gentleman enough to offer to make me a sandwich or warm up my car, but only after he shoved fish (which I hate) down my throat, and chased me around the house with a toy gun that shoots these little balls. (Which, by the way, HURT!)

I have been blessed not only by this dear friend, but also by her family. I thank God for them everyday.... the wee ones - my "niece and nephew", and the not so wee ones - my "brothers". I adore you guys!

Aha Moments

God has shown me some amazing things in the past few weeks. I call them "Aha moments". You know... when you finally get it? And when you do, you wonder why you are just getting it now? A lot of this is really personal, so I won't go in to too much detail. But what He has done is too amazing not to share.

Those of you who really know me, know that I have struggled with depression at varying levels for my whole life. A few weeks ago, I was heading in that direction again. I have this wonderful, wise, godly friend, who on many occasion has encouraged me to give it all to God... and not take it back. I heard what she was saying, but never understood what more I had to give Him where this was concerned. As the days passed, my sadness grew. I was in a bad place. I could barely function. It was really scary, because I had been there before. I had made the decision to focus on God through this, rather than trying to survive it on my own. But alas, I found myself making bad decisions again. Decisions that would take me down a path I was comfortable with... but also down a path that was not where He wanted me to be.

In what I thought was a moment of weakness, I confessed this secret part of my life to the same friend who had on so many occasions told me to hand it over to Him. I now don't see it as a moment of weakness, but rather a moment of brutal honesty. This friend prayed with me and turned me back around to face His Throne of Grace. She was not afraid to speak the truth: I was disobeying God. When I got home, I knew that God and I had a long night ahead of us.

He showed me so much that night. He showed me that this path I had chosen time and time again was me being disobedient to Him. He showed me an area of sin in my life... an area that had taken hold of me many years ago. Perhaps this is what this friend was talking about... giving it all to Him. When I look back, I see that God has been showing me this area for years... I just never paid enough attention to actually get it. Well that night, I got it. On my knees, in repentance, God took from me what He has so patiently been waiting for. The release I felt far exceeded any sense of freedom I had ever felt before. Free. That was it. As cliche as it sounds, a weight had been lifted of my shoulders, and I felt free! It was like nothing else I had every experienced before. As I called my friend to describe the feeling to her, I knew I didn't really have to... I knew she knew exactly what I meant.

I am so thankful for a friend like her. She has heard me say it all before... but I count her friendship as one of the greatest blessings in my life. We all need someone to come along side us and turn us back to Him when we momentarily glace away. We all need a friend who will speak His truth covered in His love. We all need a friend who is not afraid to confront us with an area of sin in our lives. We all need a friend who will pray with us and cry with us. We all need a friend who will love us, even when they see our ugly sides. I am so thankful for a friend like that.

This story continues... God continues to speak, and I am learning to listen. Will write again soon.

Here I am To Worship

Ok... I have not had a really good, heartfelt post in a while. I kinda lost my groove there for a bit. Was in a rut... spiritually and otherwise. But I have gotten realigned with God, and all is good. I have a few blog-worthy topics in my head, but first I need to finish what I started... talking about the Battle of the Retreats.

Saturday night is always the "show me the money" night. Typically after the speaker closes, the Worship Band plays quietly for a bit while people are given the opportunity to respond. Some get up and leave. Some head to a quiet place elsewhere. Some sit and pray and worship. I wish that I could put into words what happened this past Saturday night. I have had to let it soak in because it is almost too overwhelming to even talk about., and I am not sure that my words can adequately describe the beauty I witnessed. I saw a whole new picture of heaven that night. I felt it. I tasted it. I longed for it.

I am sure that we all imagine what heaven will be like. I am also sure that nothing we could imagine here on earth will even compare to what awaits those of us who have a relationship with Christ. I love the thought of us singing praises to Him... forever.

Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing: "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!" (Rev 5:13)

I had always imagined myself gathered with my dearest friends(mainly the ones who can carry a tune) and all other believers, (and ok... if I am totally honest, with Sandy Patty) in a choir format, singing in beautiful three (or four) part harmony. As I said, I saw a whole new picture of what heaven might be like.

Rather than start playing immediately, the worship band let a cd run in the background for a while. To be honest, I am not really sure when the cd stopped and the band started. But as the cd was playing, people were worshipping. I love worshipping with the kids in the high school group. It is so genuine. It is fall on your knees, sit and pray, sing your heart out kind of worship. What happened on the retreat was no different. At one point I came out of my own world of worship, and took in the beauty that was around me.

As I listened, I heard 20+ people singing. No one was singing the same thing. In fact, I am not even sure what song was being sung. We were all just singing... worshipping. Some were crying out to Him for mercy. Some were praising Him for His greatness. Some were thanking Him for all He had done in their lives. It was spontaneous. It was personal. No ones words were the same. No ones tune was the same. But it all melded into one glorious sound. A choir of voices singing their own song to Him. It was so beautiful. (And if you know me, you know I am a bit of a music snob. One of my faults is not always being able to look beyond something that may not sound all that great, and appreciate it because it is bringing Him glory and telling the message of His love for us. So for me to say that 20+ people singing their own song sounded beautiful, it really had to be something!)

As I looked around I saw people picking up instruments and playing them for Him... guitars, violins, a cello, bass guitar, bongos, keyboard. Those who could play just picked up and played when the Spirit led them to. There were people sitting in their chairs with their heads bowed. There were people sitting on the floor. There were people dancing. There were people standing, arms and voices lifted to Him. There were people in groups. There were people in their own corner of the room. No one paid attention to anything but worshipping our Lord! And however the Spirit led them, is how they worshipped. This literally went on for hours, but it was as though there was no sense of time. Just honest, heartfelt, purest worship.

I know that when two or three are gathered, He is there. But there are just some times when we really feel, like literally feel, His presence. That was one of those times. There is no doubt in my mind that His Spirit was moving through that room, bringing people closer and closer to the God they love and serve.

I was moved to tears. All I could do was sit, take it all in, and life my voice to Him. "Here I am to worship. Here I am to bow down, and say that You're my God."