Experience

"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." ~Randy Pausch

Think about that. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. I can think of many experiences in my life where I did not get what I wanted... Either as a result of my own sin, or a result of the sin of someone else. I can think of friends who have gone through difficult times. I recall one dear friend saying something to me many years ago. We were talking about how God builds character and perseverance in us through the circumstances He allows us to face. Her comment was something along the lines of... "I don't want more character. I have character enough!" Haven't we all felt that?

Just yesterday I was going through a life exercise of being thankful for those experiences. I found myself thanking God for some of the things a dear friend of mine has gone through in her life. Her own experiences have given her a wealth of wisdom that I find myself drawing from often.... I want to soak in everything she has learned! I then found myself contemplating my own experiences when conversing with her mother who is facing challenges with her teenage daughter. It really made me think.

I would love to be able to say I am thankful for the experiences God has allowed me to have. I am not there entirely. There have been many times when I have not gotten what I wanted... when things have not gone in my favour. And there will be many more of those times as life goes on. If experience will create wisdom, and character and perseverance... if experience will help me to minister to someone and draw them closer to the love of Christ... then it will have been well worth it.

Lord, have your way in me.

Incase you were wondering...

56 days, 1 hour, 15 minutes and 22 seconds until Christmas.

....not that I am counting.

A Life Saved

Today I am remembering an anniversary of sorts.

Five years ago.
Sunday evening.
All alone.
Many tears.
One phone call.
A dear friend.
A life changed.
A life saved.
My life.

Thank you my dear friend. I am forever grateful.

Honestly

I spent this past weekend in Toronto at a conference with the Youth....Change 07. The Matt Vincent Band provided the worship for the weekend - amazing! They taught us a song that really hit me. Interestingly, I was not the only one. Over the past day, I have seen reminders of this song everywhere... on Facebook and the MSN lines of others that attended this weekend. Perhaps that is Gods way of keeping the song in my head and challenging me by it. I can only remember three lines of it....

Honestly I need to be broken

Honestly I need to fall down

Go ahead and shake my foundation

Lately I have been really affected by various worship songs. I have found my heart and my eyes welling up during songs that we have sung forever. It is as though for many years I sang the words, but perhaps did not always pay attention to the significance of what we were singing about. Sometimes now find myself in silence before Him rather than say or song words that I don't mean.

So as I hummed this song all day, I asked myself just that: Do I mean it? I know I need to be broken in order to be complete in Him. I also know that being broken hurts. Do I really mean it when I sing "go ahead and shake my foundation"? Do I want that? Been there, done that. My foundation has been shaken, and it was not fun! Yet I know beyond any doubt that it has made me rely on Him more and more... it has made me cling to Him like I have never done before. There will be struggles. I will be shaken. I will be broken. But to sing those words to Him...I have to ask... do I mean it... honestly?

Sorry?

I am writing from a pretty raw place. So forgive me if this appears rough around the edges... it is.

Forgiveness. I know God will forgive each and every one of my sins. I know all I have to do is repent. Repentance. Not just confession... but also making a complete turn around... committing not to fall in to the trap of that sin again. Yah sure, sometimes it still happens. That is called humanness.

But here is my problem. I have sinned. There are consequences. I am dealing. But I am having a hard time with confessing my sins. And I suppose it is not so much in confessing my sin, but more in repenting. I know I will repeat this sin. I am already planning it! Which means I am not completely sorry! How can I say I am sorry for something that I know is wrong, but that I am sure I will do again! I can't. So now what?

Why am I not willing to let this go? Why am I not willing to surrender complete control to Him? I know He can grant me peace... He has before. But I also know that He will not grant me peace if I say a quick "I'm sorry... make me feel better about this."

I guess it is a matter of the heart. My heart needs some working on in this area. A song we recently sang at church just came to me. Lord, this is my prayer. Change my heart. I humbly accept the consequences of my sin. Lord forgive me for not giving you my all... my everything.


Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don't
Tired of telling you I'll follow
When I know I really won't
Cause I'd rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way

In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet
I can feel the fire
And it's burning, burning deeply
Burning all that it is that you desire to be silent, in me

Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom's all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear your holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways

In The Silence - Jason Upton