I am writing from a pretty raw place. So forgive me if this appears rough around the edges... it is.
Forgiveness. I know God will forgive each and every one of my sins. I know all I have to do is repent. Repentance. Not just confession... but also making a complete turn around... committing not to fall in to the trap of that sin again. Yah sure, sometimes it still happens. That is called humanness.
But here is my problem. I have sinned. There are consequences. I am dealing. But I am having a hard time with confessing my sins. And I suppose it is not so much in confessing my sin, but more in repenting. I know I will repeat this sin. I am already planning it! Which means I am not completely sorry! How can I say I am sorry for something that I know is wrong, but that I am sure I will do again! I can't. So now what?
Why am I not willing to let this go? Why am I not willing to surrender complete control to Him? I know He can grant me peace... He has before. But I also know that He will not grant me peace if I say a quick "I'm sorry... make me feel better about this."
I guess it is a matter of the heart. My heart needs some working on in this area. A song we recently sang at church just came to me. Lord, this is my prayer. Change my heart. I humbly accept the consequences of my sin. Lord forgive me for not giving you my all... my everything.
Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don't
Tired of telling you I'll follow
When I know I really won't
Cause I'd rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way
In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet
I can feel the fire
And it's burning, burning deeply
Burning all that it is that you desire to be silent, in me
Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom's all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear your holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways
In The Silence - Jason Upton
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A tapestry of quotations, musings, aphorisms, and autobiographical reflections.~James Atlas
4 comments:
I will comment on my own post for my one faithful reader who is away on vacation. *sigh*
God is good. He has granted me peace and He is working on my heart. I am so thankful for His grace.
I have been praying for you every Wednesday at 7:45am as promised in our last email exchange.
I know nothing about 7:45am... I think the last email I got from you was about something "really big"...how is that going by the way? Thanks for praying!
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