I Believe

Over the past few days, a few things have come in to my life that have upset me. Last night, the accumulation of these things triggered a visceral reaction in the very core of my being. They triggered panic. They triggered fear. They brought me to a place where I have been many times before. A point that in the past has broken me.

Last night I had a choice. I could let Satan win. I could walk down a familiar, comfortable path that would lead to more pain, and ultimately to self destruction. Or I could choose to turn to Him. I found myself praying a familiar prayer: "Lord, please take this away. Please make this stop. I cannot do this anymore." As I prayed those words, nothing happened. I was still afraid. I still found myself in the midst of a panic attack.

A friend once said to me... I know you believe in God. But do you believe Him? Do you believe that He will take away the burdens you lay at His feet? Do you believe that He is bigger than all this? All very good questions. Ones I had not thought about before. Ones I was not sure how to answer. This same friend has also encouraged me to "choose well." I heard her, but I did not understand her. I did not really pay much attention to the choices I was making on a daily basis. I thought to myself, I know you say I have a choice. But I don't see it... I don't feel it. This is how it is, end of story.

In the midst of my panic, I knew I had to choose well. I added to my pleas... "Lord, I believe that You can ... that You will... that You are waiting to take this from me. I believe that You are big enough to take this from me. I believe." As I spoke the words "I believe" I knew I was speaking the words He was waiting to hear from me. Something happened last night. Something supernatural. Something divine. Something that only God could do. A peace spread over me. I felt it, like a cool rain washing over me. It was gone. The panic... the fear... gone.

A year...even a few months ago, I would have pushed aside the notion that peace could spread through me like that. I could not truly appreciate what people meant when they said that they felt a physical release. Until a few months ago, I had only felt that once before in my life. Now, each time it happens, I find myself in awe of His grace, His goodness, and His love for me.

Yes, God really is bigger than the boogie man.