Just a few weeks ago, I went through a period where I began to question different aspects of my faith. I know that Christ was my Saviour. I believe that He was sent by His Father to pay the ultimate price for me. Although I cannot fully fathom it, I know I am much loved by my Heavenly Father. I know that His Grace is enough for me. I have spend more time in His Word and in faithful, expectant prayer than I ever have before. That said, I felt empty. Devoid of any feelings of love towards God. Did I love God? I mean, did I really, truly, love God? And if I did, how was I showing it? Or perhaps, this is what made me question my love for Him in the first place.If I looked at my earthly relationships, and the things I say to, do for, or feel for people I love, did it even compare to my what I would say to, do for, or feel towards Him? Could He be more than my Saviour? Could He be my best friend? Would I ever get to the point of complete and utter dependence on Him? Would I ever stop putting my own, human limitations on a God who is bigger than everything?
Doubts filled my mind while tears filled my eyes. I did what I have done many times before when I have been at a loss for what to do... I sent a soul searching email to one of my dear, sweet friends. A friend who I admire for so many reasons. A friend whose faith in God is perhaps stronger than anyone I know. A friend who, when she is not as near to her God as she wants to be, falls apart... a reminder of our need for Him. A friend who has held me up, held my hand, and held me accountable. A friend who lets me cry on her shoulder, and then reminds me to cry out to God. A friend who has prayed for me and prayed with me, for things great and small. A friend who, along with her family, has accepted me, loved me, fed me, stretched me, and encouraged me. A friend who, this Christmas, would be a part of God doing something great in my life.
Just as the Christmas Season was starting, I found myself sitting alone at church on a special night... "The First Taste of Christmas". As soon as I saw this same friend and her family, my heart filled up with love. My eyes filled up with tears. In that moment I was so incredibly overwhelmed. I was called down to sit with the "family". I spent the night in tears... I could hardly stand it. It became incomprehensible to me... love... how the love we have here on earth pales in comparison to His love for us.
"How deep the Fathers love for us. How vast beyond all measure."
Days passed. My doubts and feelings of emptiness lingered. Were these feelings normal? I was honest with God and with myself. I told Him of my doubts. I told Him of my fears. I asked Him to fill me... to fill me with His love... to take away the emptiness I was feeling. And He did.
Christmas was just around the corner, and my dear, sweet, faithful friend was struggling. Part of me was torn apart inside. Wondering and praying about what I could do for her. Feeling so incapable of making things better, that at times all I could do was pray and cry. It seemed though, that the more she hurt, the more God filled me. After prayerful consideration, there was something that I could do. It would not change the situation, but it would help.In hindsight, God had been preparing me for this. Kind of a long story, but looking back on the decisions that were made regarding this Christmas, it was clear that they were planted by God. He was preparing to use me. He would fill me with love for Him that would pour out of me, not for my own glory, but for His alone.
What did this Christmas Season bring? It brought me closer to a God whom I know and love. It brought me to His Word - getting to know His heart. It brought me love - never in my life have I felt so loved and accepted by people. It brought me joy - the joy that comes from serving and ministering to others. It brought me humility - even in my very imperfect state, God can and will use me. And ultimately, it brought Him glory. Is that not what our lives are meant to do?
Merry Christmas Eve ....
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